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Hi! I'm a 21-year-old blogger living in Ljubljana. Student of Art History and English. Stylist and video maker, currently running anablush.com


MEMORIES

I'm not really a fan of online oversharing, as I prefer to keep some things private. Just to myself, my friends and family. But something changed, when I recently listened to the Lukas Graham's new single You're not there for the first time and completely bawled my eyes out. No exaggeration. Their lead singer wrote the song in the memory of his father - the lyrics felt so personal to me and perfectly described the situation I've been in for the past five years. This particular song served as an inspiration for today's post, where I'm going to share with you a part of my life, I've never talked about it before on Blush. This experience has made a much stronger person and after five long years, I now finally feel ready to share it with you. 


I won't go into all the details and specifics of what really happened, because I don't feel like it is necessary for you to understand my experience. I would like to keep that part just to myself. But to start things off, I lost my father 5 years ago, when I was 16 years old. I was a sophomore in high school, a good year into blogging, going through the generic teenage problems, but generally living a perfectly normal and good life. I was really fortunate enough to live in a good family, where we had absolutely everything we needed. And then all of a sudden I had to face with a loss. It came very unexpectedly and of course it shocked us all. It was without a doubt the worst evening of my life. So here's the first part of the lyrics I can relate to.

I never got to say goodbye
I wish I could ask for just a bit more time




Every step I take, you used to lead the way
Now I'm terrified to face it on my own

This was probably the scariest part of it all. What now, when you have to do everything on your own? I kept asking myself What's next? and I was scared of the unknown. We had to built our lives around this unexpected situation and it was really difficult. But we made it through. Our family got even stronger, I became a much stronger and independent person. I also grew up much faster because of that. I lost my best friend, but I didn't let that stop me. I made new goals and always kept in mind that he would be proud of me no matter what. This kept me going and working hard for everything I wanted to achieve in life.


And now for the most important part, the chorus. 

You're not there
To celebrate the man that you made
You're not there
To share in my success and mistakes
Is it fair? 

Of course it's not fair, life is tough for everyone. I got to experience that first hand quite young, but everyone goes through difficult times at some point in their lives. It is inevitable, but these kind of experiences make us stronger and let us view things in a completely different perspective. The hardest part of it all are of course the life successes I achieved through the years and couldn't share with him. Or how much I've changed in the last 5 years. 

You'll never know the person I'll be
You're not there
With me


I am not going to lie and say that's everything is ok now. But it's definitely much easier than a few years ago. You never forget the pain you went through, or the feeling that a part of you is missing, but you have to move on eventually. I'm still crying my eyes out, while writing this post (and also listening to the Lukas Graham's song, which is not making things any easier), but I feel grateful for all the years I had a chance to spend with him and that I'm in a good place at the moment. I'm really happy now and that's what really matters in life. 


So this is my story of loss, growth and route to independence. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to share things with others and not letting things only to myself. Eventually they'll just build up and burst out at the most inappropriate time. Trust me, it has happened to me before and I won't let that happen again, because it doesn't just affect you, but also everyone else around you. So this is a small step in that direction - with the thoughts I've been wanting to share you with for months.


Throughout this post you were able to see some snippets of my childhood memories, on the photographs that my father took with his Praktica camera and I'm now lucky enough to keep in memory of him.

photos: Karinartistic
-a 

1 komentar

  1. Pri meni je malo več kot 6 let :(. Še vedno ga nerealno pogrešam. In lepo, da si delila zgodbo z nami..nisi sama. Komada pa raje ne grem poslušat, še vedno veliko noči zaspim v solzah. Tudi tvojo objavo sem prebirala v solzah. Ti pošiljam en virtualni objem*

    OdgovoriIzbriši

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